“Hi Cancel and Co, how may I direct your call?” said the very businesslike voice at the other end of the phone.
“Hmm, Haw,” mumbled the caller. Then “Hello, well is this the company that cancels? You know things, stuff, you know I mean like events and stuff.”
“Oh no ma’am, we don’t cancel anything we just inform all parties that need to be informed about a cancellation that has already taken place. We redirect all related inquiries to our clients to us.”
“Ok great,” said the caller, “Cancel my wedding for me, please.”
“Sorry ma’am,” said the pleasant girl, called Miss Cancel at the other end, “that is against our business practice, we don’t actually cancel anything. That is up to the client.”
“Ok the caller said, my wedding is already canceled and now I don’t know what to do.”
“Ok, we can help with that. Did you tell anyone?” said Miss Cancel.
“Well no,” said the woman, “Only I know and HIM and maybe HER.”
“Well I have to know whom you told so I can keep them off the informants list,” said Miss Cancel.
After hemming and hawing, the caller said, “Gee Ok I’ll lay it out there. He just told me and since I heard of your service a while back from a friend of mine, I decided to call to help me, you know cancel it all.”
“Sure thing,” said Miss Cancel, “that’s good that way we can start afresh and inform everyone. I mean on the list of call-ees,” she said.
The caller began to give Miss Cancel a list.
‘Well there’s the church, the band, the caterer, too bad I wanted to eat her Madeira cake.”
“Cancel Madeira Cake,” Miss Cancel repeated as she made the list. “Cancel meeting with wedding planner at Starbucks.”
“Ok said Miss Cancel, I’m going to have to ask you some questions before I can go further so I can pick the best package for you and direct your call to the right person.”
“Are you just a wedding canceller-informer?” asked the caller.
“Oh no ma’am we inform many kinds of cancels,” said Miss Cancel, “Hold on, I am looking for the dadaddaa…. “Here she was shuffling papers and pushing keys like an Employee of the month airplane ticket clerk.
“It’s just one wedding,” said the caller, “But you are pushing so many buttons.”
“Oh no that was the boyfriend-cancel it pulled up; no we need the wedding cancel package.”
Ok Miss Cancel rattled off the list of services and prices and the caller added to her list, the photographer etc etc.
“You know I still love him,” said the caller, “It hurts so badly.”
“I’m sorry ma’am what did you just say?” said the icy Miss Cancel.
“I said I was hurting ever since he called me up and canceled the wedding. I could hear HER giggling in the background. It just happened and I’m not over this. What if he changes his mind?” said the client.
The client was bawling at this stage.
“Then what if he changes it back?” said Miss Cancel at her Popsicle warmest.
“Listen we can’t take you on as a client if you are still hurting and holding on to stuff. It has to be a total cancel.”
“This is what I will do for you. Let me refer you to my Friend Mr. Burner at Bridge Burner and Co. He will help you and unless he certifies that you have burnt all bridges, we can’t take you on as a client.”
“Don’t worry,” added the cool Miss Cancel as warm as frozen strawberries,” “He will take care of you and will give you a discount and then when he is done we will get right on with the cancel-informing part.”
“Ok,” said the caller doubtfully.
The caller had to go to Bridge Burner and Co. in person.
That was to be a face to face meeting not like with Miss Cancel.
“Ok,” said Mr. Burner, “To start with what is HIS number?”
The caller/client repeated HIS number.
“Well you have to start forgetting that number,” said the Bridge Burner. “Here we will help you forget numbers.”
He started a complicated exercise which involved readings and videos with lots of other-number memorization and some soothing neck bending exercises.
By the time the session was over, the client had forgotten HIS phone number.
As she left Burner said, “I will come and check your house and make sure you have thrown away anything that brings back his memory. So girl you have two hours to go home and burn those bridges.”
“Ok thanks,” she said.
As she turned to go Mr. Burner handed her a small slip of paper.
On it was a number.
She stared blankly at it.
“Who is this?” said the client.
“Here,” he said, “I will call that number.”
“No, No,” she wailed “Don’t call HIM.”
But too late he had dialed and her pant pocket trilled in reply.
“Silly, it’s your number,” said Mr. Burner, “You know I knew you had forgotten yours too.”
She laughed loudly for the first time in days. She looked lovingly at him. But Mr. Burner was used to in-process Cancellers transferring their affections to him. He looked busy and moved away deliberately taking notes.
They set off to inspect her house.
She had thrown all HIS gifts away, some of them expensive, some she had bought for herself and had ended up paying for him to buy them for her.
Burner found a small stack of letters she had pushed up under the mattress.
“What are these?” asked Mr. Burner.
“Letters,” she said what do they look like? I was going to send them to HER, you know teach him a lesson.”
He made her pitch them in a black trash bag.
He checked her email and made her erase all of HIS emails.
“Give me your cell phone,” he said.
He made her delete all HIS messages and call lists.
“He won’t call again,” said Mr. Burner so you won’t be able to save his number.
“You mean,” she said
“Yes he has already burnt all his bridges.” he said. “In fact he has re-gifted some of your stuff to his new girlfriend.”
The next day the client called Miss Cancel.
Miss Cancel said, “Mr. Burner did one last check when you were away. He found something.”
“What?” the client said turning warm in the cheek pressed against the phone.
“You scribbled HIS number on your shower wall after getting it from his friend.”
“I’m sorry I did,” said the client.
“Go paint it over and erase the penciled email that you put under your desk too,” said Miss Cancel, cool as a cucumber dipped in yogurt.
The client called back in a few minutes.
“Well I also had those dried up roses that he gave me for Valentines Day in front of all my friends, I threw those away too.”
“Ok,” said Miss Cancel, “You are ready.”
In an hour Miss Cancel had canceled everything and so informed the client. Miss Cancel sounded cool as a dipped margarita glass rim.
“Did they ask you any questions?” said the client.
“Yes they did,” said Miss Cancel, “But I truthfully told them I was just an informer.”
They laughed together. Miss Cancel’s voice has softened a little like room temperature butter.
“I did not give you Shawna’s number,” said the client, “Shawna always said he was bad for me. Now she will say I told you so. I don’t want to give an opportunity for an ‘I told you so’.”
“Well,” said Miss Cancel, “Sometimes we have to go back and do a supplementary cancel.”
“This supplementary cancel will cost you more money; our prices go up for second and third cancels. That way it becomes harder and harder to not cancel all,” said Miss Cancel generously.
“Here,” said Miss Cancel, “Here is some information about the supplementary cancel. We have a coupon for extremely regressive people. You do five cancels and then the sixth is free.”
The client left happily, most of her present life having been canceled.
Mr. Bridge Burner and Miss Cancel met at her office that evening where he was handing over some paperwork regarding the case to Miss Cancel.
“Do you think she will drive past the church HE is getting married at to HER? Did you notice how names get canceled after a cancel and become just HIM and Her?” Miss Cancel laughed a little.
“She probably will,” said Mr. Burner, reaching over and taking Miss Cancel’s soft hand and cold heart in his. “You know, no one ever reaches the coupon stage and actually redeems the coupon.”
“No no, they don’t, they move on to other cancels,” she said, “The way we get business is to do more business,” said Mrs. Cancel
He said, “Let’s go to dinner.”
“Why,” she said turning to him, “I canceled that. Don’t you remember, I informed you?”
“I do,” he said, “But I just kept on hoping.”
Close
Thanks for the comments.
It is a little cheeky but that is just the way I am!
lol
Mili
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interesting read.
very different concept.
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amusing and interesting.....................
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Hi
Some cancelling huh!
Do we have such a service in India? You could spearhead one......good business idea:)
Maybe I will use their offices--not to cancel a wedding as it is too late in the day.
More chances of cancelling funerals as all the oldies I know seem to be making a habit of going into the ICU and recovering many times over!!
Keep writing. I don't know whether I like your prose more or poetry--the judgement is reserved.
What happened to your plans for Chennai bloggers to meet?
Padmum
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Mili
.
Hilarious and wild, albeit a little long
Enjoyed
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THanks a lot.
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like nothing i read before! wow!
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One day I saw a wedding planner in Starbucks waiting for her client to show.
The client was a no show.
I got to thinking what if there was a wedding canceller like a wedding planner.
And hence the idea.
I still dont know why the wedding planner was stood up.
Hopefully the groom is not going to stand up the bride.
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Cool :-)
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